John C. Pontrello
March 22, 2020
Urgent Message from the Governor concerning new "Virus Hours."
Dear NY Citizens (& Illegals),
In order to demonstrate how much I, as your governor, desire to protect you from the Corona, I have ORDERED that ALL businesses can only remain open between the hours of 6AM - 7PM weekdays and 7AM - 6PM weekends. These are your new "Virus Hours." The logic of this executive order should be immediately apparent but because so many people in NYS lack basic intelligence, I will now explain it. You see, I thought it would be best that we limit the hours of exposure to the dreaded virus. In other words, ALL citizens are free to catch the virus ONLY between the hours of 6-7 and that's it! I realize this is a drastic measure but I have no choice but to put my foot down. Under my watch, nobody will be allowed to catch the Corona after 7PM! New Yorkers will be allowed to freely catch the virus again the following morning. Therefore, if you feel a need to shop, work out, eat, etc, you will need to do it during Virus Hours. For example, if you work a 2nd shift and normally take a dinner break around 7PM, you'll have to arrive at the local deli at 6:55PM (Virus Hours). Those who arrive after 7 (Non-Virus Hours) will be turned away, for the safety and protection of you as well as employees who are forced to work all day during regular virus hours.
Do not take this order lightly. Violators will be prosecuted, sent into isolated internment camps, and forced to wash their hands repeatedly until vaccinated & released.
NOTE: I wrote this right after my wife and I cruised through a Tim Horton's drive thru for a cup of coffee. A sign on the drive thru window read: "Due to health concerns, we are limiting our hours to 6AM - 7PM." ~ jp